Petunia, NO!
by fragonknight01
Summary: We got tired of Uncle Vernon always raping Harry. It is Petunia's turn and she is in 'hot' pursuit. Chapter 3: the long awaited shocking chapter that reveals nothing much and poses even more annoying questions...
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimers: Obviously this whole tale of angst and woe is a spin-off from JKR's awesome books. We have kept people in character only to the point that they have remained the same sex as she designated them. And a big thanks to Jim Hensen and his awesome muppets for loaning us material.

Petunia No!

It was a beautiful day; the sky was clear, birds were chirping, even the squirrels were down gathering acorns for the winter. It was what the people on Privet Drive call a normal day, calm and peaceful; funny how that can change so quickly.

Petunia looked out into the front garden in order to check up on her nephew and perhaps yell at him while she was at it. But, when she caught sight of him standing there with his shirt off, sweat gleaming on his quidditch toned body, her breath quickened! She stared as he lifted an arm and brushed his messy black hair from off his cheek. As the arm came up she noticed that his baggy jeans drooped slightly and her nostrils flared at the sight of a light tracing of tiger stripe that disappeared into the waistband of his boxer shorts. She hadn't even felt this aroused when she was a young girl and had first met Vernon. She wanted to tie him up on her bed and have her way with him.

Vernon, who was just returning from work, noticed that Petunia was staring out the window with 'that' certain gleam in her eye. He silently offered up a prayer for the poor soul on the receiving end of that look before following her line of sight. Seeing that it was Harry that she was eyeing up, he quickly hurried into the house.

Petunia did not stop looking out the window just because Vernon was home. She heard him put his briefcase in the closet with his coat before making his way into the kitchen. Even when he gave her a peck on the cheek and inquired about her day her gaze remained solidly on Harry.

Petunia snapped out of her daydream of Harry and whip cream when she heard the front door snap shut and lock. Glancing quickly around to see whether or not it was Harry, she pouted in disappointment when she saw that it wasn't. The syrupy smile reemerged on her face as she had an idea. But, before she could act on it, Vernon came striding back into the room, "Don't even think about it." He said. There was clear warning in his tone.

"Think about what, Vernon?" She asked in the most innocent tone she could muster.

"I know that look, Petunia. You had better leave Harry alone! I will not allow you to do such things to the poor boy."

"Vernon, darling, you have yelled at the boy forever and you've given him plenty of beatings. I, for one, think that it's time to give the boy a little love." She said in a wise tone, or at least she thought so. She even nodded her head sagely to encourage his compliance.

Vernon's face started to turn purple, "OH NO YOU DON'T, WOMAN!" He glared and huffed while eyeing his errant wife. "If I find you molesting that little boy, so help me God, Petunia, I will..." He tapered off into incoherent sputtering. "He does not need that, Petunia! The boy has a Dark Lord after him, he doesn't need to dodge a rapist in his own house. Now leave the boy alone!"

Vernon realized that there would be no talking sense into the woman. It was going to be a lot of work keeping the boy safe, but, he knew from first hand experience that Harry was no match for Petunia in heat. He and Dudley would simply have to do their very best to protect the boy; besides, his company frowned on incest. It just wasn't the done thing.

There was nothing else to be done except to contact that freak school of see if they could take the boy away. He figured that the sooner he sent the note the sooner he could get some rest. It was going to be a long week from the look of things right now. Vernon found his son in the living room, "Dudley, bring pen and paper and meet me out in the front garden now!" He stressed the NOW to get his point across. Surprisingly, Dudley did as he was told without complaint.

Outside, Vernon wasted no time in calling Harry over. "Yes, Uncle Vernon?" Harry asked nervously, he wasn't oblivious as most people thought when it came to bad news being revealed. Uncle Vernon was visibly agitated but, something was off because he did not seem to be upset with Harry himself.

Vernon took a deep breath before he started, "Dudley, I need you to keep an eye on Harry until we can arrange for him to be moved to safety. Something has happened to your mother and we need to keep her from getting her hands on him."

Dudley's mouth opened and closed a couple of times before a look of realization dawned upon his face, "You don't mean..." he trailed off.

Vernon nodded his head, "Yes, Son, I am afraid it has happened again."

Harry, clueless little virgin, had no idea what the hell was going on. "What has happened, Uncle? Did I do something wrong?"

Dudley looked at Harry, pity and a touch of fear clear in his face. He placed a large hand on his shoulder, "Harry, if Mother comes in the same room as you the only thing to do is run. Get out of there as fast as you can."

Harry looked at his cousin and uncle in confusion, "What are you guys talking about?"

Dudley looked at his father and said, "You tell him."

Vernon gulped and faintly wondered how Harry would take to this little bit of news, "Harry...your aunt... well she is not technically a squib. Somewhere in the Evans line one of them mated with an incubus. To be brief about it, your aunt wants to make you her sex slave."

Harry laughed. "Good one! You almost had me going there."

"You'll be more than going if she gets her hands on you." Dudley added. "Do you remember what happened to the postman a few years back?"

Harry blanched. "The one who was sent to Mother of Mercy Hospital babbling about a strange woman who abducted him, and kept him in a closet under the stairs for several days while she repeatedly molested him sexually?"

Father and son both nodded solemnly. "Yes, Harry, that one."

Harry meeped. "That was true? Aunt Petunia really did that to him?" He began to shiver uncontrollably. "Oh, please, Uncle Vernon. Don't let her get me. I'll do whatever it is you ask of me. Just please don't let her get me."

Dudley gleefully added, "She also molested the milkman, but that was outside, quite early, he managed to get away without too much damage."

"Enough already, you stupid boy." Then glaring at Harry once again, Vernon continued, "Now, let's get a letter written to your freak school. That old headmaster of yours had better know what to do. Don't just stand there boy, call that ruddy owl of yours." Uncle Vernon was having flashbacks to his military days. (We decided that Uncle Vernon belonged to the HRH's Royal Navy. After all, JKR can't think of everything.)

Hedwig appeared even before Harry whistled for her. Vernon glared first at the bird then at Harry. "I thought I told you to keep that bloody bird in its cage."

Harry nodded solemnly at his OOC uncle. "You did tell me to keep her in her cage if she was in my room. You did not say that I had to keep her cage door latched."

Dudley smirked at his obviously snarked father. "I think you should just let it go this time. After all, Harry does not have to go upstairs and bring her down. And if I am right, and I am always right, Mummy is up there 'cleaning' his room for him."

Harry looked rather more ill than he had a few minutes ago when Dudley had mentioned the postman. "Do you reckon she will find those Play Wand magazines I brought home for you?"

Vernon perked up slightly as he finished writing the cryptic note to Hogwarts. He handed the note to Harry and let him read it. Then turned to Duds and inquired, "That wouldn't be that bisexual magazine where the pictures...?"

"Yup, Da. That'll be the one."

Harry having missed that particular exchange was still concentrating on the matter at hand. "Wow! Uncle Vernon, this is so cool. I did not realize that you were so brilliant! And it is so succinct!"

Vernon beamed at the black haired imp. "Well, boy, what did you expect? After all, I do sell drill bits for a living."

The note read: Crackpot in charge of Hogwarts School of Idiocy and Promiscuity, Come immediately to save HP from fate worse than Voldie Pants. Boy will not last the week without professional intervention. V.D.

* * *

Hedwig liked the Potions Master because he spoiled her with extra treats and nutrient potions so she took the note to him instead of to Dumbledore- it was a sort of sixth sense precaution since she knew the old guy would just pretend that he never received it.

The note amused Severus Snape immensely. It seemed that someone was on a first name basis with Albus Dumbledore and was not in awe of him. That the note had come from the residence of one Harry Potter had not escaped his attention. He was about to go upstairs and ask Bumbledork if he could go see what the problem was just so he could meet the person in question.

He waited until Hedwig had drunk some water and demolished the mouse he had conjured for her. Then up the steps he went. One would not recognize the fact that Sev was nearly bouncing with excitement: this promised to be almost as much fun as one of Lucius Malfoy's orgies. Severus was too fanatical about personal hygiene to participate, but, the voyeuristic opportunities kept him amused for weeks after the event.

Albus stared at Severus blankly as he demanded that someone go immediately to check on Potter. "What in the name of Circe have you been brewing now, my boy? You aren't actually taking this note seriously are you?"

Severus arched a perfect brow. "Of course I'm taking it seriously. There is obviously a threat of some kind against Mr. Potter and it needs to be dealt with. You are just being a prat because Mr. Dursley insulted you." He glared at Dumbledore until the old man looked back down at the note then turned to pet the owl sitting on his shoulder. "Besides, we know that you always take good care of Mr. Potter don't we pretty girl?

The owl gave him an affectionate nip on the finger that was stroking her. He beamed happily at the lovely owl as he waited for Albus to come to the decision that he was the only one available to go and therefore needed to be on his way.

Albus was disinclined to take the note seriously for some reason. He read it several times but could not formulate a sense of urgency regarding the demand. It was with the utmost reluctance he finally agreed that someone should be sent to check on Harry.

Severus glared at him for a full ten minutes before Albus worked up the courage to ask him if he would be so kind as to visit Mr. Potter and assure himself that all was well with him. "Right, I had better be on my way then." Then giving the old man one last glare he added to Hedwig loud enough for Albus to overhear. "Let's just hope our ikkle Harrikins is still alive because this letter is at least 36 hours old."

Hedwig bobbed her head up and down in agreement. She hooted in appreciation when he slipped her an owl treat as a reward for being so agreeable.

He disappeared down into the dungeons calling for his valet/house elf. Snape loved taking road trips and the M1 from Edinburgh straight through to London was a real treat to drive in the early hours of the morning when you can cruise along at 130kliks per hour with no stress.

The Snapemobile was broken out from under its dustcover and given a quick swipe with the cleaning cloth before it was brought round to the front of the castle for Master Snape. Snoopy, Snape's personal house elf whom he brought from Snape Manor when he moved in (Snape has a fetish for Charlie Brown. ) then went up and carried Master Snape's bags down and placed them in the boot of the cherry red 1975 Chevy Corvette Stingray waiting for Snape. (Fragonknight02: Dude that is a sweet car. I know 'cause I went on Google and looked it up.)

* * *

Dursley time is figured from when Hedwig flew north with the letter.

* * *

Some four hours later:

Vernon returned from taking the boys to ASDA (1) where he had purchased some new game boy cartridges for Dudley. They also sneaked in some electronic gadgets which Harry and Dudley raced upstairs to work on. Petunia watched them until Vernon walked past her and waved a glass of chilled Black Castle in front of her. The sleeping pills he dosed her with ensured that the night would not have any excessively unspeakable happenings.

Some twelve hours later:

Harry was getting ready to cook breakfast when Petunia cornered him in between the stove and the sink. Harry was so shocked that it took him several seconds to remember to hit the panic button he was wearing. By the time he had remembered to do so, Petunia had his shirt off and was starting to work on the rope belt he had inelegantly (But quite cleverly) knotted several times.

It was only a moments work for Dudley to come tearing into the room and grab Harry up in his massive arms and head for the door as he called out, "Thanks for helping Harry, Mum. He can finish getting ready at the pool though. There is a public dressing room there and he can put his stuff in the locker while we are swimming."

Harry giggled enchantingly as he was jostled out the door by his life- saving cousin. As they headed down the street Dudley smirked at him.

"What are you smirking about Duddikins?" Harry asked innocently.

"You know how you always tease me about being a baby whale?"

"Yeah?"

"Well, I am going to show you just how wrong you are about my animal form! I am not a baby whale- I am 'Big D' the killer whale!"

Harry, thinking in wizard mode for once, blurted out his thoughts. "I did not know squibs could do animagus forms. How did you learn?"

Dudley laughed at the sheer idiocy of his cousin. "I wasn't talking about changing shape, Harry. As part of my boxing routine my coach has me swimming three times a week, and I have really started enjoying it. I am a lot more agile in the water than on land."

Petunia watched them going down the street. Her eyes narrowed as she watched her prey escape once again. "How do they bloody well do that?" She hissed.

Never mind. She could always clean house to work off some of her frustration. Dudley's room could always do with a good going over and if she took a few extra minutes and read some of his magazines...well, he would never mention it to Vernon even if he did notice.

Some twenty hours later:

Harry was just putting the mower back in the shed when Petunia appeared from nowhere and yanked him into the hot dirty shed. (Just kidding- we all know the Dursley's make Harry keep the shed clean and neat.) It only took Harry a few seconds this time to initiate a cry for help.

Dudley arrived within seconds. "Thanks for helping Harry look for the football, Mum, but Piers has one we can use." He grabbed Harry up, "I'm sure Daddy won't mind too much that Harry has not finished all his chores. But, we need him. Got a three-a-side footie and he is an awesome wing." Then before Petunia could contradict him, he once again took off like someone had lit the fires of hell underneath him.

Some twenty-four hours later:

Harry had just stepped into the downstairs water closet and began unzipping his fly when Petunia picked the lock and started to open the door. Harry's button got pushed in record time. This time Vernon showed up. He grabbed Harry away from the frothing sex maniac and said, "Petunia Dearest, would you mind ever so much going to Tesco's with me?" Keeping his bulk between Petunia and Harry he motioned for the boy to go hide. Petunia glared at him. "You two can't keep him safe forever you know. I will get my way with him."

"Petunia, please. I really do want to go shopping. You know how you always love nude shopping night at Tesco!"

"It is Thursday isn't it?"

"Yes, Dear."

"Oh Vernon, you really are too good to me. Of course I want to go shopping with you." Under her breath she added, "Just let me go upstairs first and have a quick go at Harry. Then I can probably enjoy the evening rather nicely."

Vernon heard her. He took her by the hand and led her out to the car. "Come on love, you're just the thing the way you are. No need to waste time trying to get all dolled up when you are already perfect."

As he walked around the car to get in, he phoned Dudley and told him to make sure Harry got a bath and was baricaded inside his room before they got back. He would try to keep her out as late as possible so that Harry could get a few minutes peace and quiet but could the boys please keep in mind that he had to go to work tomorrow since it was Friday.

Some thirty-six hours later:

Harry found himself tucked in at the breakfast table between his uncle and his cousin. Petunia was cooking breakfast, a pleased smile on her face.

Dudley was the first one to notice anything was off. "I have never seen Mummy cook using that bottle before." He said eyeing the small container as it disappeared into her apron pocket.

Harry looked at Dudley and whispered, "What?"

Dudley nodded toward his mummy. "She just put a small jar of something in her pocket. She dumped some of it into the eggs."

Harry pulled out his wand and murmured, "ACCIO bottle!" The bottle flew out of her pocket and smacked into his outstretched hand.

Uncle Vernon reached over and grabbed it. He looked at the label then pocketed the bottle. He then indicated that the boys should get a move on. He stood up and with one arm around Harry he looked over at Petunia and said, "Petunia, dearest, I just remembered that I have an early appointment. I will take the boys with me so they can look around. My boss has some lawn work that he wants them to do."

Petunia's smile was immediately replaced with patented Snape glare #43. (You will die for avoiding my trap.) "Since when has my little Duddikins started doing lawn work?"

Dudley bounded over and bussed his mother's cheek. "No worries, Mummy. Daddy won't let him over-work me. But, I do need to get more exercise. My trainer says that it will be easier for me to lose weight and gain upper body strength if I actually do some physical work."

Petunia pouted as they all headed for the front door. "I hate my life!" She whined.

Harry looked at her solemnly from terrified green eyes, "I hate your life too, Aunt Petunia."

Vernon just glared at his errant spouse and hissed, "I'd hate your life if you had one!"

As Vernon loaded the boys into the car they could hear Petunia shrieking in anger as she dumped the uneaten breakfast down the sink into the garbage disposal. They all offered up a small prayer of thanksgiving for escaping so lightly from the 'thing' that had its face pressed against the window malevolently glaring at their retreating vehicle.

Some forty-two hours after the letter had been sent a beautiful sports car pulled up into the driveway of the Dursley residence. Petunia almost drooled as a tall thin, but well muscled, man unfolded from behind the wheel. She eyed the body clad in a black bitch slapper with a sadistically smiling rabbit which read 'I SMILE BECAUSE I HATE YOU' and baggy jeans with plaid boxers showing appreciatively. After being unable to ascertain whether he 'was packing' she decided to look at his face.

Her breath caught at his naughty boy image. His long black hair was pulled back in a ponytail and kept in place with a Union Jack print dew rag. Wrap- around RayBans hid his eyes and a delectable stubble covered his lower jaw. Then another hiss of frustration was emitted by the perpetually on-heat Pet as she acknowledged the bunny skull and cross bones earring dangling from his right ear.

Petunia met him at the door and jerked it open before he could ring the door bell. "What ever it is you are here for you big skinny faggot just turn around and bag your wanna-be hippy ass right back out of here."

"Hello to you too, Petunia. I see the years have been kind and you have grown into your ravishing personality." Snape snorted. Then the light clicked on. "Ah! Your tendency to ravish delectable young gentlemen is the reason I was called to come retrieve Mr. Potter."

"You are not getting your filthy gay hands on my nephew! He is my responsibility and I am not letting him leave this house."

They were still bantering at the front door half an hour later when Vernon brought the boys home. After seeing Snape, Vernon asked Harry if he would like to go in and start dinner while he made a quick trip back to the office for some specs that he was working on and had forgotten.

Dudley ran his usual interference by greeting his mummy with a hug and a kiss on the cheek. As he was going on about what a great time they had cleaning out the locker rooms down at Vernon's gym, Harry slipped past him and began pulling out the pots and pans to get started with the cooking.

Severus followed Harry into the kitchen. "Could you possibly spare a cup of tea before I head back to Hogwarts, Potter?"

"Yes, Sir." He pointed to a chair in invitation but Snape ignored him. "Are you here about the letter, Sir? I think Uncle Vernon is about at his wits end with Aunt Petunia. If you don't take me away from here before she rapes me, he just might wind up killing her. She really has him annoyed this time."

"This time! Has she tried raping you before?"

"No. Not me. But she has raped the postman, the milkman," pausing then added, "Uncle Vernon says there have been others but he is trying to keep the gossip to a minimum."

Snape gave an involuntary shudder while muttering, "Yuch!" under his breath. "That thing is almost as repulsive as Trelawney."

Harry drifted over to him and placed a steaming cup of tea in front of him. "She's worse actually. Trelawney, as far as we know, doesn't have any magical sex maniacs in her family tree."

Snape's grin scared Harry almost as much as Petunia's strange new obsession. "Sir, please tell me that you are here to get me away from here. Uncle Vernon and Dudley are safe, but they are already exhausted from keeping me out of her clutches."

Just then Petunia entered the kitchen. "I knew you were here to take him away from me." She shrieked as she lunged at Severus. "You can't have him, he is mine!"

Severus stood up and glowered at the woman. "You need to start learning some self-control, you nasty..." He sputtered for a few seconds as he searched his immense data banks for a term to suit her, "You filthy freak!"

Harry gave a terrified shriek and lunged for Snape. Before Petunia could get her hands on him, he had sunk to the floor and wrapped both hands and legs around the Potions Master's leg.

Severus looked down at the cowering boy with a mildly curious look. "Potter, what in the name of Merlin is wrong with you?"

"I'm exhausted. Look at me, I've been run ragged. I'm nothing but skin and bones. My nerves are shot. See, I am even twitching." He holds out a hand that is shaking rather badly.

"We have potions to take care of that."

"No! Just get me out of here. I can't take it anymore."

"At least get off my leg."

"No. And if you don't get me out of here I swear I'll... I'll hump your leg!" Harry threatened him hysterically.

Footnote: 1. ASDA is a British shopping center; much like WalMart in America. (footnote added per request.)

Next up: Does Petunia get to keep Harry? What are Lucius Malfoy and his niffler doing at the Dursley residence? And how exactly did Harry get hold of Voldie's phone number anyway? Fragonknight3 says: Harry looked in the yellow pages. He also found the LOFT OF DOOM and some black light posters. (good story- can't remember the name but it is under voldie/lucy.) Standard disclaimers: We only wish we owned it! Few thoughts are original- we are great at recycling though... And a big thanks to UNDERNEATHTHEBRIDGE for letting us borrow your ideas and we want everyone to read your incredible story: Voldie's special meeting with Lucius and Severus. (includes hugs and kisses). Robin Hood Men in Tights, Spice Girls the Movie, Winnie the Pooh and others.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2: Petunia, NO!

Snape kept a wary eye on Petunia while reaching down to pat Harry on the head. "Potter, never tell a potentially gay guy that you're going to hump his leg. Trust me when I say that it doesn't have the physiological effect you were aiming for."

Harry gaped at him, "You're gay?" he asked, a look of awe on his face. "You know that I have been thinking about that and was wondering who I could talk to about it."

Snape nodded his head decisively before adding a more concise explanation. "Actually, I play for both teams. That way I get more games per season."

"Do you think you could maybe talk to me sometime?"

Severus grinned at the endearing little scamp. "I could probably be persuaded to further your education. If you could just wait until we are out of this life-and-death-by-sex situation. Honestly, I dearly love the subject, but, I just can't concentrate at the moment."

Harry was still looking impressed. Snape's explanation was extremely logical. "If you don't get me out of here I will probably be completely gay." He eyed his frothing-at-the-mouth aunt then continued, "Actually I may just go join the Seminary. I really doubt that I will ever recover if," and he pointed to HER, "She gets her way." His big green eyes were full of solemn entreaty as he added, "Please, Professor. I really don't want my first time to be totally horrible!" His beseeching tone made Snape smile.

"Actually, Harry, my first time was with Petunia." Snape's smile disappeared as he recalled the experience. "You're right, Harry. We have to get you out of here. Her voracious appetite for sex had me terrified for months."

"What happened to change your mind?" Harry asked his big sexy professor as he carefully inched his way up from clinging to his calf to wrapping himself around Snape's trunk, legs wrapped around his waist and arms twined about his neck.

Snape carefully adjusted Harry so that he could lean against the counter and support the scrawny urchin's body comfortably. He was also careful to keep his wand in his casting hand and his eyes fixed firmly on Petunia.

He made a funny face before admitting, "Well, it was just after I joined the Death Eaters and Voldemort raped me. It was a liberating experience to know that your average rapist really was not half as horrid as enduring her affections."

Petunia looked ready to start attacking Snape. Just as soon as she could find a blunt object small enough to swing easily, but, still large enough to cause damage to that particular wizard's head.

Harry saw this and let go of Snape just long enough for his feet to hit the floor and him to slither in behind where Snape stood. Then the small skinny arms reattached themselves to Snape's waist where he stood quietly waiting for war to break out between Sev and Pet. Harry was not quite sure that Sev could protect him at this point- knowing that Aunt Petunia had affected Snape's mental health negatively at a critical stage of his development was not at all reassuring.

Dudley chose that moment to enter the kitchen. He was carrying a phone book in one hand and a Pizza Hut coupon book in the other. "Mummy, can we order some pizza? We should be able to order the deluxe party menu. It says here that if we combine two or more specials they will throw in a two-liter bottle of coke, two orders of breadsticks, and an extra pizza."

Petunia blinked at her son. "That works out to nine pizzas. Even you couldn't clean up that much!" Then she frowned slightly and asked hesitantly, "You really can't eat that much can you?" Her eyes took in the huge girth of her son and heaved a sigh as she dejectedly answered her own question. "Of course you can."

Dudley kept looking for other fast food delivery people, "Hey what's this?" He began to snicker as he read the ad. "Pest Control: muggle exterminator; ask for Lord Voldemort at the Loft of Dooooooooooom. Bloody 'ell! BT really does have everyone's phone number."

Severus grabbed the phone book. "Let me look at this. He checked the front cover. "Oh! This is the muggle edition, all right. I had better call Fudge about this."

Harry grabbed the book. "Sod that old geezer! We have a crisis here. Let's get a call in to Voldie and see if he will come take care of Petunia for us."

Dudley grabbed the book back. "You can have it after I get the pizza ordered." Then he looked at Snape. "Would you care to stay for dinner, Sir? There really will be enough for everyone. We can even order your favorite topping if you have one."

Just then Vernon came in the door. "Petunia, I am home, honey. You had better have your clothes on and be smelling of gardenias. I am coming in the kitchen in two minutes. That is all." The voice was cut off as he entered the w/c and closed the door.

Petunia was absolutely livid by the time Vernon entered the room approximately 118 seconds later. He just winked at the staring audience as she launched herself at him and after wrapping his arms around her, slung her over his shoulder and headed up the steps.

Dudley grinned at everyone. "My guess is that Dad has developed a strategy for defusing the clear and present danger to the best of his ability. Now let's get this pizza ordered so that he will be able to partake of sustenance once she is finished with round one."

Snape was heard to mutter in a voice tinged with awe, "That is one crazy muggle bastard! Or," and he raised an eyebrow at Harry, "He is more of a man than we originally thought."

Harry let go of Snape and moved cautiously towards Dudley, "Now, about this Lord Voldermort, Loft of Dooooooooooom? Dudley can you see if you can get hold of him? Tell him that if he comes and saves me I'll consider becoming a Dark Wizard- just not as ugly as him...maybe."

* * *

The doorbell rang thrice in quick succession. First the deliveryman, burdened down with enough food for a small army. Then came a tall skinny guy wearing black robes and a white mask leading several similarly attired persons. Then came another entrouge of badly dressed people led by an old man with a long white beard and wearing a dress so garish a whore wouldn't be caught dead in it.

Dudley answered the door all three times. He scared Voldemort when he starting laughing and said, "Dude, that look is so five minutes ago! Oh well, do come in I'm sure you are harmless." He looked at Dumbledore questioningly for a few seconds before accepting the fact that the 'thing' in front of him was for real.

Duds tugged on Dumbledore's beard as he went past and smirked, "Just checking to see if that thing is real."

"Indeed, it is real, my boy." The old guy's eyes were twinkling like the sky on Guy Fawkes night.

Duds just grinned. "Relax, Dude. From the looks of you, you probably helped build the original ark. Of the Covenant that is..."

Dumbledore beamed happily at the educated wit that the baby whale exhibited and moved away in the direction Dudley indicated.

Dudley watched the room fill up with the odd assortment of people and shook his head as he ambled over to where Harry was standing, still clutching his Snape plushy. "It is just a bloody pizza party. Why is everyone dressed like freaks?"

"That's because they are." Harry mumbled while trying to thoroughly chew a slice of pizza.

Snape smacked him upside the head, "Don't talk with your mouth full, Potter."

Voldie, who was tripping on muggle acid again, went into a dream when the whale spoke to him. He really did not expect a real walking, talking, breathing whale to live in Surrey. The London Zoo maybe, but not Little Whinging. The world really was changing too fast for him, those last ten years he spent in Romania were just too quiet. He was out of more than just the technology loop. He was going to have to seriously rethink this business of living forever and taking over the entire world.

Harry recognized the signs. The Dark Lord was a basket case. It would be up to him to straighten the mess out. There really wasn't that much he could do so he opted for the easy way. He waited until the rest of the Death Eaters were looking through the pizza boxes then snuck up behind Voldemort with Godric Gryffindor's sword and stabbed him where his stomach should be. (A.N: We don't know whether or not he's considered human anymore.)

Voldemort, who had been reaching for a piece of pineapple and anchovy pizza, looked mildly surprised at the sword sticking through his abdomen. He turned to face Harry and said in a serene tone of voice, "It really isn't polite to invite someone to dinner then run them through for not asking which pizza he was allowed to have."

Petunia, just reentering the room, noticed the situation and decided to act on it. "Oooohhhhhhhhhhhhh! My poor Dark Lord, you've been run through!" Petunia wailed, "How do you feel?" She asked, her voice dripping with concern.

He looked at her with something akin to horror on his face, "I'm dying, you fool!" He said exasperated.

"Oh! But you don't have to die." She said.

"I don't?" Voldemort asked with a bit of hope in his voice.

"He doesn't?!" Everyone else asked/shouted. At this point Harry glares at Lucius and hisses, "Pull out the script. I really don't believe this!"

Lucius pulls the script out of his bottomless, inside pocket. As he thumbs through it he doesn't notice that his niffler has stuck his head out of the same pocket and is looking around. "Yes, Yes. She is right. It says right here that he doesn't have to die."

Harry leans over Lucius' shoulder when he heard him say, "Yes, yes she's right. It's right here." Under the pretext of checking the script, he smiles up at Lucius and says, "By the way you smell nice. Damn! No. Oh! Wait a minute..." He smirks at Aunt Petunia. "Ready there, Auntie Dearest?"

The niffler decides to crawl over to Harry while no one is paying attention and Harry soon finds himself the proud owner of a beautiful fluffy little critter. Recognizing a terrific gift when he is given one, Harry deftly pockets him and moves back to the safety of his Snape.

Meanwhile, Petunia has pulled a lifesaver sweet out of her French Maid apron and looking deeply into Voldie's bloodshot eyes she cooed, "No. I've got this magic pill that can save your life."

Voldemort reached for it, but she held it just out of his reach, "And I'll give it to you, if you promise to make me your Dark Queen and be mine forever."

He hesitated for a moment as he looked at the group of people gathered around, some of them were cringing, but Lucius was nodding enthusiastically for him to take it, before saying, "Oh alright, yes."

He gobbled it up as soon as she gave it to him then fell down backwards just as quick. Nott went over to see what was wrong, "He's dead!" He stared wide-eyed at Petunia. "You killed him!"

"Cyanide. Gets them every time." Petunia smirked, then shook her head in a disapproving manner.

Dumbledore gave her a strange look, "What do you mean: It gets them every time?"

She held herself up proudly, "Every woman in my family must kill a Dark Lord. It's tradition. Except Lily- all that Hocus Pocus nonsense, cyanide works perfectly well. Do you see the rest of us getting a waxed? No."

"Tradition!" The Death Eaters spluttered. "We just heard you say that he did not have to die. Now you say he is dead? WTF, Mate?"

Petunia nodded, "Grandmother killed Grimwald, and Mum killed Lucifer Malfoy..."

"She killed my granddad!" Lucius shouted.

Petunia gave a sheepish look, "Oops! Sorry love."

Lucius thought about it for a second before saying, "I suppose it's alright, didn't like him much anyway." He reached inside his pocket looking for something and was becoming visibly distressed as he yanked off his cloak and began methodically going through all the pockets.

Severus watched him, a smirk on his face, "What in the seven levels of hell are you looking for, Lucy?"

Tear brightened, blue-grey eyes looked across the room at him. "I was quite sure I had my niffler with me. Narcissa gave him to me. I am supposed to cuddle when I am distressed..."

Harry blinked as he looked at the big tough Death Eater standing there whining pitifully. "He was my only birthday present. And now he is gone." Harry was really sensitive when it came to birthday presents, but, the niffler just cuddled against him and shook itself when Harry touched him inquiringly. It did not seem to want to go back to its previous owner so Harry left him in his pocket.

Most of the Death Eaters were used to the Inner Circle's idiosyncrasies and just carried on eating pizza and drinking soda that they transformed into fire whiskey. The Order members were not quite so adept at ignoring emotional excesses. "Sooooooo," Tonks said as a way to get everyone's mind off Lucius' sorry plight. "Do you get the credit?" She asked Petunia.

Petunia looked appalled at such a suggestion, "ABSOLUTELY NOT!!" She shouted, "How dare you suggest that I break the sacred tradition and take credit!"

"Sacred Tradition?" The Members of the Order of the Phoenix asked.

"If we take credit then the rest of them," She pointed to Nott and Crabbe who were currently trying on each other's masks, "Come along and try to wax the rest of us." She said in a voice as if explaining something really simple to a child.

Lucius stopped sniffling long enough to nod his head in agreement, "Yes, yes I can respect that. Now, can someone tell me precisely why when the script said he didn't have to die, that he died. And where is my niffler. I want my niffler." He went back to whining worse than his son. (Who we might add owns the title: Biggest Whiner at Hogwarts.)

Petunia looked at him, irritation plain to see, "Honestly, Lucius, don't you understand anything? The script said he didn't have to die. It didn't say he had to live either. So, in essence, it was a judgment call. As for that niffler, you had better get that nasty piece of vermin out of here!"

Several Aurors snickered. Moody growled, "That was definitely a good judgment call." Then he kicked the corpse to see if it was still dead.

Severus winked at Harry before turning to Moody. "You would put that wooden leg of yours to better use by staking him rather than kicking him. There are several of us who believe that he is part vampire."

Moody's magical eye whirled wildly as he processed that information. Before anyone could tell him that he was being had, he drew back his peg leg and sunk it into the bony chest of the corpse in front of him. Several wizards screamed and jumped back as the corpse began to shrivel and dry out.

Nott, Crabbe and Malfoy all screamed, "OH MERLIN! He was part vampire."

Snape stood there casually looking at the body of his old master before speaking up, "You do realize that we are standing in the same room as a dead man?"

Harry turned green for a moment before whining, "He died? But this is supposed to be a kid's story."

(02 turns towards 01, "It is?")

(01 nods, "Yeap that's why the graphics weren't included.")

(03, who has been looking up the correct spelling of the word JUDGMENT or _judgement_ for the last five minutes, shows confusion. "We have graphics we're not using?" Goes to use them. Ratty-Baggins hits her over the head with a book effectively knocking her out therefore leaving the story within relatively safe hands and in the R-rated section.)

"OK, so. We need to get back to the issue of WHO KILLED LORD VOLDEMORT?" Tonks shrieked.

Petunia looks at Snape. "So, you have the hero look about you. Would you like the credit?"

Severus looks at her rather shocked. Then in his best Eeoyre voice says, "No. I'm just a Snape." Everyone nods at him in understanding. Sev may be a dashing figure standing there in his black bitch-slapper but the grinning pink bunny just seems so wrong for a hero's outfit.

Vernon looks at Petunia. "Isn't it obvious, woman. You need to tell everyone that Harry killed him. Just look at the boy. Poor little under-fed, un-loved, badly dressed imp. He is just the thing that heroes are made of. Besides, he did stab him for you."

At the end of Vernon's soliloquy everyone turned to stare at Harry and nodded in understanding. It was obvious. It was logical. It was time for Harry to get the hell out of there before the press came.

Vernon nodded at him and indicated the door. Harry took the hint and dragged Severus out the door with him. "Come on. Uncle Vernon will cover for us for a few minutes. It will give us time to get away from here."

Severus nodded and swung into the driver's seat. "Any place you would like to go?"

"Anywhere is fine as long as I get to cuddle with you." He said with a grin. "Besides, you will have to show me why Mr. Malfoy had a niffler with him." The niffler in question poked his head out of Harry's pocket and chattered excitedly.

Sev glanced over casually and caught sight of it. He laughed delightedly and petted the niffler as they headed back up to the M1. "Saved yourself from a fate worse than death didn't you, boy?"

* * *

Meanwhile back at the house Uncle Vernon has had just about enough of everyone. Glaring at Crabbe Sr. he snatched the last piece of mushroom and olive pizza then cleared his throat. It had the effect of blowing through a bullhorn. "I hate to cut the evening short like this, but, I am going to ask you all to help tidy up and then leave."

Dumbledore stuck his foot in it when he asked, "But why? Tomorrow is Saturday. You don't have to go to work."

Vernon grinned his happy walrus smile. "I need to go to bed! When Petunia helped dispose of the Dark Lord she broke the curse. We need to go upstairs and work on producing a new generation of Dark Lord exterminators." He looked around at everyone still standing there. "NOW would be a good time to get moving!" He roared.

The house was clean and everyone but Dudley gone within minutes. He took one look at his disgusting parents and ran for the door. They heard him shout something about Piers just before the door slammed shut and locked from the outside.

(02: As for the rest, you really don't want to know, and we don't want to write it. Besides we have to keep our R-rating. Besides, you bad HUMANS don't get to have any NC-17. Thank you all, and good night.)

(Announcer voice: No assembly is required, and batteries are not included.)


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimers: Same as chapters 1 and 2. We don't own anything remotely involved with Harry Potter except all seven books and five DVDs. **FK01: I am holding out on the plushy dolls- I really want that life size, interactive Lucius Malfoy (with a complete change of clothes so we can play Patriot also.)**

Chapter 3: Epilogue 11 years on.

Harry dashed into the sitting room and picked up the phone. He just knew that today Aunt Petunia would be calling him. He was correct.

"You need to come get the girls. Both of them got letters to Hogwarts and your Uncle Vernon is absolutely shattered. He is worried that since Poppy and Pansy got letters their letters this morning that Percival won't get his."

"Yes, Aunt Petunia. I will come get all three of the triplets as soon as we have our children all settled in here for the day. It is busy here also because Mordred and Morgana both got their letters today also." Harry listened for a few more minutes as Petunia rambled on about the children and how she was so sorry that she treated him so badly when he was younger.

Harry made his way back out to the kitchen where Severus Snape was playing airplanes with two toddlers and one spoonful of strawberry oatmeal. He gave Severus a quick hug and immediately began ladling out oatmeal for the other six children. He beamed happily as he watched his ex-potions master play with the little ones. It was amazing just how happy Snape looked while playing.

An empty bowl later, Severus turned his attention back to his partner in crime. "Was that Petunia on the phone calling about the triplets getting their letters and Vernon is having a crisis routine?"

Harry nodded without looking up from tying a little shoe then vocalized his answer just in case Sev had not been looking his way. "Yeah. Kind of amazing actually to see just how riled up Uncle Vernon still gets every time the girls do something and Periwinkle doesn't."

Snape snickered. "The lad's name is Percival not Periwinkle. You really do need to stop calling him that. The other children are going to start calling him names and you know that he is already sensitive."

"Not my fault he is practically a squib."

"No, and it isn't his fault either. I still think that she mated with Lucius Malfoy that night also and he is a by-product of that union."

Harry snickered. "That would make sense. The boy does act like the Malfoys. I am not sure though. Every boy I have ever seen who was named Percival has some sort of complex which had serious adverse affects on his psychosocial development."

"Ah, you think that the name is what impairs them."

Harry gave a deep sigh. "I am not really sure. I mean look at Percy Weasley, and there was that Death Eater friend of yours, Percival Magus, wasn't it. They both have real issues."

Sev giggled. "Actually, Harry, their issues are so refined that their subissues are tabbed and color coded."

"Yes, well, that does go rather well toward reinforcing the point I was trying to make doesn't it?"

Somewhere in the background a magical timer pinged. Severus finished wiping the oatmeal, drool, and other foreign objects off the babies faces. As he pulled them out of their highchairs he gave each baby a kiss and placed it in the animated stroller that was shaped like a grim (complete with two steering wheels) which had just hovered its way into the kitchen to collect the children.

Harry looked at the buggy with a slight bit of trepidation. "I told Ginerva that thing might not be ready yet. I placed several safety spells on it but, she says that it works well enough. I just hope she is correct." He put the other two little children in behind the toddlers.

Somehow the other four children managed to be ready and they all left the house together. Severus laughed at Harry as he watched him push the buggy with four waving babies in it up to the door of the day care center and enter. Before the door closed on the grinning little black haired wizard Severus called out, "Herms and Gin should be by around five to get the children. Make sure that you put them all down for a nap so that they can stay up with us for a few hours after the women get home."

Harry flipped him off and descended into the bowels of his work area. He cooed to the children as he levitated all four of them out into the play area and watched them join the other twenty odd wizard children already there at the day care center.

He grinned and waved at his three full-time assistants, Millie, Lavender, and Blaise. "How are things here this morning?" He asked before going into his office to check for owl messages. He saw the vase of tiger lilies and smiled as he read the card: _**Harry, Love you bunches and hope you have time to do lunch with me today. Draco **_Harry was pleased. His husband really was the most splendid of mates.

Harry sighed as he quickly finished the days post so that his real work could begin. He loved all the time he spent in the other rooms playing with little wizards, watching their magic grow by leaps and bounds almost daily. He wouldn't for the world admit that he missed his own two sons who were both in primary school now.

If he wanted to get personal he always seemed to have a fresh supply of Snape babies. He shook his head in awe of Sev. The man had decided to settle down to domestic bliss with a vengeance once the Dark Wanker was gone. First had come the announcement that he and Hermione were having twins (Mordred and Morgana). Somewhere in the middle of weddings and baby showers, Severus had wound up being bonded to both Hermione Granger and Ginny Weasley and hadn't stopped making babies since…

Severus swore it had something to do with that Niffler that Harry 'borrowed' from Lucius. The niffler seemed to have a compulsion to 'adopt' a person then find the perfect mate for them. Harry and Draco had both threatened the niffler with an untimely demise if it did not stop meddling in the love lives of humans. It just chattered at them and curled up around Harry's neck if they got too rough with it.

According to Lucius, the niffler's one saving grace had been the time Narcissa picked it up (accidentally, thinking that it was a fur muffler) and had worn it to a Ministry function where it had relieved itself down the front of her dress. The party had (mercifully) been cut short by several hours and the elder Malfoy's had retired to their mansion where they disappeared into the bathroom together and did not come out until days later. (Draco still maintains that he bribed the niffler to occupy Lucius and Narcissa so that he could court Harry properly.)

**The Pottery**, Harry's wizard child day-care center, was his favorite place in the whole world (besides being in Draco Malfoy's arms) so he settled in to get the administrative stuff out of the way. With only himself, three other full time employees, a few part time witches, and two house elves to mind all the babies, everyone stayed busy. Molly Weasley did the cooking, Dobby and Winky did the cleaning, and Harry, Blaise Zabini, Lavender Brown-Longbottom, and Millicent Bulstrode tended to the needs of the little ones.

As usual the time slipped by for Harry too quickly. He was in the middle of making sure that the ever warm bottles were the correct temperature and the self-cleaning diapers were working properly when Draco made his way in the door and disrupted everyone's lunch by flickering the lights and yelling, "Who has been bad and saved all their kisses for the Dragon?" At which point he would usually turn into his animagus form- a great fat lumpy purple dragon with green spots. (Who do you think Barney was patterned after, huh?)

The laughter of all the adults was drowned out by happy baby squeals. For some reason (probably having to do with hugs, kisses, and raspberries on tummies) all the babies adored Uncle Draco. He, being the well trained, bright man he was always purported to be, sat down in the middle of the floor and waited for the tide of drooling, diaper covered cookie crunchers to engulf him.

It was like this every day- Draco threatened to eat with Harry, he showed up, he played with the children until he had to go back to work at St. Mungo's, he would give Harry an apologetic grin and a kiss and then he would apparate away again. This had been the established pattern for the last seven years. And sometimes he would bring seven-year-old Draconis Harold Potter-Malfoy and his little six-year-old brother Severus James Potter-Malfoy with him.

888

By the time Harry made his way up the sidewalk at 4 Privet Drive he was ready to call it a day. He had been up half the night helping Severus tend to his brood and he was exhausted How any man could want two wives and eight children (with no signs of stopping the Snape proliferation) was well beyond his cogitative capabilities.

Vernon took one look at his nephew and headed straight for the sitting room while ballering for Petunia to bring the tea through for Harry. He did wait for Poppy and Pansy to finish showing Harry their Hogwarts letters before starting in on the subject that Percy had not mentioned whether he got a letter or not. Vernon was inordinately proud of his second son even if he was almost as small and runty as Harry had been (even with all the food Petunia insisted he eat.)

Dudley was home and scowled at Harry as he walked into the sitting room. "What's up, Duds?" Harry jovially smacked his hand in a high five while winking at Percival who was trying to get some of Harry's attention.

"Little brother has a letter he wants your help with." Dudley eyed Harry and cracked his knuckles warningly.

Harry nodded and turned to Percival. 'What may I help you with, Sir?"

Percy exhaled slowly and whispered, "I think we need to go upstairs so that we can talk privately. I need to show you something."

Harry nodded his understanding. "Coming, Duds? We will most likely apparate to Diagon Alley from your room if it is ok?"

Dudley got up and bounded up the steps behind them. Percival pulled them quickly into his room and shut the door so fast that he caught one of the girls trying to sneak in under Harry's old invisibility cloak.

Dudley and Percival watched Harry in awe as he snatched the cloak off Poppy. He glared down at the two girls and delivered a scathing lecture on privacy and showing some respect to other people before shoving them roughly out the door and casting locking and silencing charms on it.

Percy's hand shook as he pulled his Hogwarts letter out of his shirt. He blushed when he noticed both men staring at him, "I had to keep it from Pansy and Poppy. They go through everything." He held the envelope face up so that THE name was visible: Percival Tomas Dursley-Malfoy. Tears glittered in his eyes as he said, "There is no way I can tell Daddy about this."

Harry shook his head. "Right you are. I thought something like this would happen." He nodded his head. "Well, first let's go talk to Draco. He usually knows what to do about stuff like this." He quickly made a portkey and had the other two touch it.

A/Ns: Since this is the epilogue for Petunia, NO! I don't think I will add anymore to this story. I will let the lot of you worry about whether Percival is even Petunia's son... Fragonknight01 picks up her usual robes and gets ready for her day job as Darth Hideous while chanting her favorite motto: So little time, so much havoc to wreck.


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